Live....

As I have gotten older, naturally I have began to re-evaluate my life. I look at the person that I was 3 years ago, the person I am today, and who I would like to be in the future. I'm now 25 and at the ages of 22-23, which wasn't that long ago, I could be a very caddy and mean spirited person. When I sat back and evaluated why I was that way, I realized there were multiple things influencing this. My home environment (I was living with my mother and in a very crowded home), my relationship (He and I worked and hardly saw one another), and my friends.
Well a lot of things have changed since then. I moved into my own sanctuary, where I could have my moment of silence when I pleased. Me and my hubby now live together and spend lots of time together, sometimes too much time haha. And I have had to dismiss some "friends" that I felt were becoming toxic to me. This is what this post is about.
About two years ago it was becoming clear that my son was a Special Needs child. As of today, I know it is more specifically Autism. I can't say that only a parent with a Special Needs child can understand, because I'm pretty sure any one with a child can. But there is no greater pain. I am tearing up as I type this. It breaks my heart that he has to deal with this for the rest of his life. You go through moments of questioning whether or not it is your fault, obsessing about the hardships he will undoubtedly endure, and it is like a punch to the gut. When you go through things like this in life, it makes all other things not as important. Such as being the first one in your area to rock a new trend, or who's talking about who, or going to the hottest club. It's almost like everything is at a standstill and you are in a constant state of grief and your just trying to make it through the day.
During this time I was evaluating a relationship (friend) that I had had for years. We had stopped talking due to my trying to separate myself from what I viewed as a negative influence. But its like a break up from a spouse. I had known this person for almost a decade of my life, so it was too difficult to completely cut them out. So we tried to reconcile it. But I never fully re-invested myself, because the trust was gone. I didn't trust them with....anything. My feelings, my life, my deepest secrets, anything. It's like every slight and mishap that had ever happened came flooding at me and it was almost frightening because it felt almost like I had had a wolf in sheeps clothing around me all of this time. I didn't want to believe that, but as the great and insightful Maya Angelou said, "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them." Well let's just say in that case I had ignored dozens of red flags. The thing that bothered me most, is the effect this person was having on my personality and my stress level, and I was just not equipped to deal with any excess of that emotionally or physically. They just weren't bringing any joy to my life anymore.

As I began dealing with the issues with my son, it made me look at life in a whole new way. (I don't know why I'm getting so emotional writing this :-( ) I wanted to be a loving and compassionate person. I wanted to do kind things for others and expect nothing in return. I wanted to build everyone around me up and put smiles on everyone's faces, and I wanted a friend who I could undoubtedly say loved me, wished the best for me, and would have my back without a second thought. And I could not say that I had that or that I was that person that I wanted to be.

As of today, I am in a wonderful place. I found things that make me happy. I am actively utilizing my artistic skills with drawing and Make Up. I have the amazing opportunity to correspond with girls from all over. I'm embarking on traveling a lot more. I'm trying to live as though today is my last day here. And more importantly I'm surrounding myself with good, uplifting individuals. I've never been so at peace. My work is not done, but I feel so inspired and in love with everything around me.
I wanted to share these experiences because I hope it may help someone else out there. Cutting people out of your life whether it be a family member, spouse, best friend, etc. is never an easy thing to do. You will struggle with it everyday. But you must do what is best for you. Tomorrow is promised to no one. And life is so incredibly short. Surround yourself with people who make you life. Laugh at yourself! Take pictures of beautiful things. Taste something new. Hug someone you love for more than a minute. Tell someone their beautiful. Dance in the rain. Lay under the stars. Live! Truly put into perspective what is important in your life, and be true to it.

What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself.
-Hecato